There is a weight that ALWAYS inspires me to diet....ALWAYS!
I hate to get there. I hate how I loathe my body at this particular weight.
hate - weight -
Is there self-love and acceptance in my future?
Is there excape from this obsession I have with food, with weight, with food, with weight, with food, with weight
And what of hope? Can I possibly hope?
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Sunday, April 18, 2010
first week of new diet
I started Michael Thurmond on Monday and have lost 8 lbs. this week.
I am feeling the spirit this morning. It is a feeling of anticipation and joy. I gained ½ lb, so it isn’t about that. Being on a diet and taking that much control of my out-of-control life contributes to the feeling. I get so ‘hungry’ sometimes, but being able to knuckle my way through those moments helps me feel successful and strong. I picture myself in the yoke with my Savior and realize he is why I don’t feel absolutely overwhelmed in this process, and I am why I feel fear, doubt, dread, and hopelessness. The feelings are not strong and overwhelming this morning, and for that I am very grateful.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
I haven't posted in some time.
I'm reading "Reclaiming Virtue" by John Bradshaw. I am trying some of his suggestions.
He calls addiction, "insatiability" That rang like a death knell. My hunger is insatiable. I am only stopped from the eating by distraction, shame, or the feeling of over fullness. Without those 3 things I would just eat nonstop.
Step One: (page 242)
Find a benevolent witness.
I have found this blog. It is my witness without comment, partiality, oppinion, or even voice. It is the 'one' I can come to and pour out my heart, my soul, my pain, until I find myself at the bottom of the pile. I believe that my true self is buried down there somewhere.
Mom!!! You can't laugh at these emotions. You can't because you can't hear me. You can't be effected. You can't regenerationalize this pain any more. You can't pass that hurt along. You can't because you are not invited to even so much as listen. You are not allowed an oppinion this time around.
So.....BW! Be gentle, be passive, be kind and compassionate. There is a DOG (daughter of God) that needs a little help...'lil hep'
I'm reading "Reclaiming Virtue" by John Bradshaw. I am trying some of his suggestions.
He calls addiction, "insatiability" That rang like a death knell. My hunger is insatiable. I am only stopped from the eating by distraction, shame, or the feeling of over fullness. Without those 3 things I would just eat nonstop.
Step One: (page 242)
Find a benevolent witness.
I have found this blog. It is my witness without comment, partiality, oppinion, or even voice. It is the 'one' I can come to and pour out my heart, my soul, my pain, until I find myself at the bottom of the pile. I believe that my true self is buried down there somewhere.
Mom!!! You can't laugh at these emotions. You can't because you can't hear me. You can't be effected. You can't regenerationalize this pain any more. You can't pass that hurt along. You can't because you are not invited to even so much as listen. You are not allowed an oppinion this time around.
So.....BW! Be gentle, be passive, be kind and compassionate. There is a DOG (daughter of God) that needs a little help...'lil hep'
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Day 3
Today started as usual. I wake up and my mind begins to work immediately on my weight problem and my addiction. My mind is constantly trying to help me break out. Every morning of everyday I wake up and my first thoughts are about how to break out. I feel my guardian angels working on my brain while it is in a relatively clean state. I picture them crowding around with their wonderful ideas of how to help me on little placards, taking turns feeding the information through the filter of the spirit. Some mornings there is only a tiny pinprick of a filter opening. Other times there is a porous sponge awaiting their input.
It just occurs to me that Satan also assigns his demons to attend me. They also await their opportunity to influence my mood and decisions. I can picture them waiting for my weak moments, my addiction moments, to jump aboard and tease and invite and coax and tempt.
I have the God given power to dismiss them and turn to my allies for support.
I shared in ‘Daily Devotions’ I kind of poured my heart out and said how desperate I felt. The people said ‘thank you for sharing’. It felt empty, but I think I get it. No one judges or offers advice, just a listening ear. It is up to me and my support team (God and the angels) to get me up and running on the right path.
“Don’t turn your head
Keep looking at the bandaged place.
That is where the light enters you.
And don’t believe for a moment
That you are healing yourself.”
Rumi
I am a food addict. I cannot heal this addiction by myself. I need Heavenly help.
Today started as usual. I wake up and my mind begins to work immediately on my weight problem and my addiction. My mind is constantly trying to help me break out. Every morning of everyday I wake up and my first thoughts are about how to break out. I feel my guardian angels working on my brain while it is in a relatively clean state. I picture them crowding around with their wonderful ideas of how to help me on little placards, taking turns feeding the information through the filter of the spirit. Some mornings there is only a tiny pinprick of a filter opening. Other times there is a porous sponge awaiting their input.
It just occurs to me that Satan also assigns his demons to attend me. They also await their opportunity to influence my mood and decisions. I can picture them waiting for my weak moments, my addiction moments, to jump aboard and tease and invite and coax and tempt.
I have the God given power to dismiss them and turn to my allies for support.
I shared in ‘Daily Devotions’ I kind of poured my heart out and said how desperate I felt. The people said ‘thank you for sharing’. It felt empty, but I think I get it. No one judges or offers advice, just a listening ear. It is up to me and my support team (God and the angels) to get me up and running on the right path.
“Don’t turn your head
Keep looking at the bandaged place.
That is where the light enters you.
And don’t believe for a moment
That you are healing yourself.”
Rumi
I am a food addict. I cannot heal this addiction by myself. I need Heavenly help.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Day 2
From my BoM study (Nephi 1:1)
This stood out to me:
“…because thou art merciful, thou wilt not suffer those who come unto thee that they shall perish!”
Because I had been studying about the nothingness of man compared to God, I saw this line and it gave me hope and strength to take my addiction to him. He is merciful, and if I come to him, he will not let me perish.
I feel guilty and ashamed when I compare myself and this addiction to the trials of Lehi, Sariah and their family. But it is what it is. It is an addiction and a prevalent trial in today’s world and today’s church. There is a way, and I can overcome, but I must seek the Lord’s help and trust the Lord’s help. This life is not for cowards….Faith and Fear cannot coexist. Neither can…
“Freedom from addiction and cleanliness begin with a tiny flicker of will.” From AGTARAH Page 1.
This quote speaks to me. It tells me I can’t just wait for my Savior to heal me, but I must take the initiative to begin. I must start again the abstinence and plan the healthy eating. I must face my addiction head on, face-to-face. I must yoke up with the Lord. I cannot do this without him and he will not do this without me….that is profound….I will say it again….I cannot do this without him and he will not do this without me.
I attended my 2nd 90 in 90 days HtH meeting
The word ‘resistance’ popped out at me.
Resistance is another word for pride.
I am chuck full of pride. It constantly gets in the way of progress. I don’t know how to rid myself of it, but I do see that I must. I recognize that my feelings of disgust for the addictions of the other members is truly a reflection of my disgust for me. We are all the same, and I don’t want to be the same….but I am. I want to say that my food addiction is a superior addiction than that of street drugs or pornography. This is a real feeling. I won’t deny it or judge it, but I hope to have compassion and understanding for the addiction of each person. The battle and desire to overcome it brings them to the meetings. We are all the same. The same war wages within. We can fight the battle or let the battle consume us. We will not win the war without our General.
In the closing prayer, I heard, “Please help us remember His availability” I pictured Christ on the other side of the knobless door. I must open the door to him. He is always there waiting
From my BoM study (Nephi 1:1)
This stood out to me:
“…because thou art merciful, thou wilt not suffer those who come unto thee that they shall perish!”
Because I had been studying about the nothingness of man compared to God, I saw this line and it gave me hope and strength to take my addiction to him. He is merciful, and if I come to him, he will not let me perish.
I feel guilty and ashamed when I compare myself and this addiction to the trials of Lehi, Sariah and their family. But it is what it is. It is an addiction and a prevalent trial in today’s world and today’s church. There is a way, and I can overcome, but I must seek the Lord’s help and trust the Lord’s help. This life is not for cowards….Faith and Fear cannot coexist. Neither can…
“Freedom from addiction and cleanliness begin with a tiny flicker of will.” From AGTARAH Page 1.
This quote speaks to me. It tells me I can’t just wait for my Savior to heal me, but I must take the initiative to begin. I must start again the abstinence and plan the healthy eating. I must face my addiction head on, face-to-face. I must yoke up with the Lord. I cannot do this without him and he will not do this without me….that is profound….I will say it again….I cannot do this without him and he will not do this without me.
I attended my 2nd 90 in 90 days HtH meeting
The word ‘resistance’ popped out at me.
Resistance is another word for pride.
I am chuck full of pride. It constantly gets in the way of progress. I don’t know how to rid myself of it, but I do see that I must. I recognize that my feelings of disgust for the addictions of the other members is truly a reflection of my disgust for me. We are all the same, and I don’t want to be the same….but I am. I want to say that my food addiction is a superior addiction than that of street drugs or pornography. This is a real feeling. I won’t deny it or judge it, but I hope to have compassion and understanding for the addiction of each person. The battle and desire to overcome it brings them to the meetings. We are all the same. The same war wages within. We can fight the battle or let the battle consume us. We will not win the war without our General.
In the closing prayer, I heard, “Please help us remember His availability” I pictured Christ on the other side of the knobless door. I must open the door to him. He is always there waiting
Friday, October 16, 2009
Day 1
I went to my first addiction meeting. I want to do 90 in 90 days.
The first step:
We admitted we were powerless over compulsive/addictive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.
That is a lot of admission for one as proud, defiant, and rebellious as I am.
My therapist says I am lost in my 'shoulds'
His words:
" ...your dialogue is great. It does get a little scary when you seem to actually agree with the SHOULD VOICE. When you say at the end ""I should do my shoulds". Have you considered that your shoulds are so prevalent in your lfe that they have become toxic to you. Your weight is the main way you fight against them. If this is true then it might be a mistake to lose weight...then the shoulds would totally rule you. That would be very sad. I assume you are aware that living with too many shoulds means we are living an unauthentic life? Then we have great trouble knowing who we really are.I think your shoulds are the major source of your weight issue. You hold the weight as a way to hold on to your last sense of self. Otherwise the shoulds would run your existence. In this sense the weight is your friend. It is trying to help you hold on to you.The hopeful part of this is that you have an inner strength that fights the shoulds. That strength is your friend, not your enemy. I think it is time to befriend it and see how it could help you even more."
I have no power. I am helpless to fix this. I surrender myself to my Father in Heaven. He made me, he can fix me.
I went to my first addiction meeting. I want to do 90 in 90 days.
The first step:
We admitted we were powerless over compulsive/addictive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.
That is a lot of admission for one as proud, defiant, and rebellious as I am.
My therapist says I am lost in my 'shoulds'
His words:
" ...your dialogue is great. It does get a little scary when you seem to actually agree with the SHOULD VOICE. When you say at the end ""I should do my shoulds". Have you considered that your shoulds are so prevalent in your lfe that they have become toxic to you. Your weight is the main way you fight against them. If this is true then it might be a mistake to lose weight...then the shoulds would totally rule you. That would be very sad. I assume you are aware that living with too many shoulds means we are living an unauthentic life? Then we have great trouble knowing who we really are.I think your shoulds are the major source of your weight issue. You hold the weight as a way to hold on to your last sense of self. Otherwise the shoulds would run your existence. In this sense the weight is your friend. It is trying to help you hold on to you.The hopeful part of this is that you have an inner strength that fights the shoulds. That strength is your friend, not your enemy. I think it is time to befriend it and see how it could help you even more."
I have no power. I am helpless to fix this. I surrender myself to my Father in Heaven. He made me, he can fix me.
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