Day 1

I went to my first addiction meeting. I want to do 90 in 90 days.

The first step:

We admitted we were powerless over compulsive/addictive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

That is a lot of admission for one as proud, defiant, and rebellious as I am.

My therapist says I am lost in my 'shoulds'

His words:

" ...your dialogue is great. It does get a little scary when you seem to actually agree with the SHOULD VOICE. When you say at the end ""I should do my shoulds". Have you considered that your shoulds are so prevalent in your lfe that they have become toxic to you. Your weight is the main way you fight against them. If this is true then it might be a mistake to lose weight...then the shoulds would totally rule you. That would be very sad. I assume you are aware that living with too many shoulds means we are living an unauthentic life? Then we have great trouble knowing who we really are.I think your shoulds are the major source of your weight issue. You hold the weight as a way to hold on to your last sense of self. Otherwise the shoulds would run your existence. In this sense the weight is your friend. It is trying to help you hold on to you.The hopeful part of this is that you have an inner strength that fights the shoulds. That strength is your friend, not your enemy. I think it is time to befriend it and see how it could help you even more."

I have no power. I am helpless to fix this. I surrender myself to my Father in Heaven. He made me, he can fix me.